i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
