I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
