I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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