Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
