can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize