I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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