***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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