I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
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