Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
