I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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