Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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