I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Randomize
