Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
