You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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