I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
