someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
