Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
