I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
