Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My ATM looks so different sober.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
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