airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
