You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
