Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
