he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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