You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
