my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize