babies were throwing up all over the place
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
