the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
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