My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
