I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
