I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
