I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
