omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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