i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
