i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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