mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
