i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Princesses don't give blow jobs
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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