i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You have to summon your inner elephant
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
