i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
