tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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