True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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