My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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