shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
