My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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