They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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