I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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