Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
