i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
