so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
