When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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