Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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