Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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