I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
