Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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