enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
