my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
